A Never Ending Mystery

I’m not suicidal per say, but I have had two distinguished moments. I don’t want to say I was numb, because that sounds too cliche. I want to say that my body almost felt sore. The kind of aching and fatigue you have after running. A prolonged sore- not only my body but also my heart had been so raw. I remember moments where I was at an intersection heading towards God knows where and my foot won’t let me accelerate. I just sit in my car: No music, no noise, just the barely audible tone of my own breath. I sit and I just stare. Breath in, and breathe out. Stare into traffic, into the sky, staring into the distance. I remain in the drivers seat, waiting for traffic to pass and I think to myself, “ I could end it. All pain, stinging, aching- i could just let off the breaks and the semi will do the rest.”  I think to myself that it is so easy just to end it all. No more high school rumors, no more homework past midnight, no more depression. I wouldn’t have to sit in my room at two am, crying because of how lonely I am. I won’t have to think about hiding anything- no more masks. 

        Six minutes. I have been sitting at the end of my street, waiting to cross for ten minutes now. The semi has passed and now small cars are rushing past because they’re late for work. Too late now. My leg becomes lighter, and I move on.